Our big news from week 29, which I neglected to update on, was the nursery. We got it completely cleaned out once and for all and put the forest decals up on the walls. Here are a couple pictures:

I won’t deny that I have been going into the room almost every day to just sit in the rocker and relax. It is such a bright, cheerful little space – exactly what I had hoped for Finn’s room. The next project is to make the curtains for the window and put up some artwork. At that point, I think the nursery will be done and all I will have to do is obsess about keeping it clean and organizing (and reorganizing) his little clothes.

A few people have asked if we are planning to have a shower. The answer is no. Shawn and I are not really baby shower people. Instead, we have decided to have a “Meet Finn” party about 4-6 weeks after he is born. A few people have also asked if we have a baby registry. The answer is yes! We have a registry on Amazon.com. You can find it here. This is by no means a request for gifts. We have already received so much from our friends to help us get ready for Finn’s arrival. However, since people have asked, I thought I would just go ahead and post it.

This past Friday we had an ultrasound. The main reason for this ultrasound was the check and make sure that the placenta had moved away from the cervix, clearing the way for the midwife/home birth. Fortunately, the placenta has moved! Finn is growing very well.  They estimate that he is about 4lbs 3oz, which is about the 85%th percentile for weight for his gestational age. In other words, he is a BIG baby.  During the ultrasound, he kept his little hands up around his face, so we had a hard time getting a very good look at him, but we did see him yawn several times which was pretty darn cute. As I suspected, he is head down with his little feet tucked up under my right ribs, although apparently he sometimes brings his feet down by his face. He’s active and looks perfect.

Unfortunately, the ultrasound was not all perfect. At the last ultrasound the doctor mentioned that it appeared that the umbilical cord was inserted very close to the edge of the placenta and that this was something they would want to monitor. As it turns out, the cord is not inserted directly into the placenta at all! It is inserted into the amniotic sac and some vessels run along the sac to the actual placenta. This is called a velamentous cord insertion. There are 2 types of VCI. One is very dangerous and one is simply cause for additional monitoring. Fortunately, I have the less severe form – which means additional ultrasounds and non-stress tests starting at 32 weeks. The reason for the extra monitoring is to ensure that the cord is continuing to perform it’s duties well and that Finn is receiving all of the nutrients that he needs. Since the cord does not insert directly into the placenta, the portion that is connected to the amniotic sac is not as protected and so it is more vulnerable over time and during labor. The high-risk OB that I have been seeing for my ultrasounds was not overly concerned. Clearly Finn is big and healthy – so the cord is doing its job just fine so far. She did not think this issue would immediately rule out our plans for a non-hospital birth. However, we will need to have a conversation with our midwife and very seriously consider the risks and our options. I have always felt that a non-hospital birth was for situations where there were no known complications. Now, I guess the question is – does the cord insertion count as a complication to the extent that we should transfer to a hospital birth? That’s the decision we will be making over the next month or so. In all honesty, a cord issue or accident has been my deepest fear of this pregnancy once we got out of the first trimester. Just last week, I had an all-out panic attack after reading a story about a woman who lost her baby at 28 weeks to a cord accident. To know that something is not quite as it should be with Finn’s cord makes me feel crazy!  I will say that Shawn and I feel particularly privileged to be among the 1% of pregnancies with this type cord insertion. Yah, right!

But, for now, all is well. I am just focused on Finn’s amazing movements, which Shawn can now see and feel every day. I keep telling myself that he is big, strong and healthy and soon he will be here!

And you run and you run

to catch up with the sun

but its sinking

Racing around

to come up behind you again

Sun is the same

in a relative way

but you’re older

Shorter of breath

and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter

never seem to find the time

Plans that either come to naught

or half a page of scribbled lines

…

The days slip by almost unnoticed. It’s not until they have passed that I find myself yearning for them. Was I present in those moments? Do I remember what I did and how I felt? Why didn’t I take a photo of my belly every single week? Will I remember what it was like to sit in the rocker in Finn’s unfinished room and feel him move and stretch inside my belly? I guess that’s why it’s nice to come here once a week or so and just write about what I can. One day, when I come back and read these posts, I am sure I will be appalled by how much I complained about my insomnia or my swollen ankles, but hopefully it will also remind me of a truly magical time in my life – one in which, regardless of whether or not I am give the gift of another child, I will never experience again. I will never again be 28 weeks pregnant with Finn. I’ll enjoy it while I can.

Well, I suppose enough mushy stuff.  What else has been happening this past week? It’s been somewhat uneventful. I had another midwife appointment. Everything went well and seems to be on track. I will have another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. At my 20 week ultrasound, the doctor said that my placenta was partially covering the cervix. If it stays this way, it would prevent me from giving birth at the birth center because of the risk of bleeding. So, I must have another ultrasound to make sure that as my uterus has grown, it has dragged the placenta along with it and moved it away from the cervix. I am told that it’s rare for the placenta to NOT move. So, this isn’t anything I am really worried about.

Shawn and I have pretty well decided to switch from giving birth at the birth center to giving birth at home. We have talked about it a lot over the past 6+ weeks. With a home birth, the midwife comes equipped with everything that she would have at the birth center. So, from an equipment perspective, there is no difference. We will be about 15 minutes farther from the hospital than the birth center is, but emergency transfers are extremely rare and my midwife says that she is comfortable with any home birth that is within 30 minutes of a hospital.  As much as we love the atmosphere of the birth center, during our visits there, we have discovered that the walls between the two birthing suites are thin and you can really hear what is happening in the next room. Both Shawn and I felt that if another birth was going on or people were coming and going in the other room, it would be a distraction and a source of discomfort for me. Home is home. Its comfortable. Everything is familiar. Everything I want will be right there. There’s something to be said about just settling in and allowing the process of birth to happen without wondering if it is time to get in the car and drive somewhere. Also, the idea of just settling down into our bed as a new family of 3 without having to make that first white knuckled drive with an hours old baby just sounds warm and appealing.

We continue to talk about it and ask questions to make sure that it feels right. We still have a few weeks before we need to make the final call.

Finn is doing great. I think he has turned head down and his feet happily stretch out the top of my belly and push into my ribs about every hour or so.  The other day, I was sitting on the couch with my hand on my belly and I felt a lump suddenly appear under my hand. Startled, I pushed on the lump and it quickly disappeared. I am pretty sure it was a foot. It’s pretty weird to know that there’s a reactive being in my belly – one who responds to being poked at.  He also kicks to Pink Floyd songs when I play them loudly in the car.

That’s my boy.

I have often said that pregnancy is a series of humiliations. The loss of control over your body makes each day pretty interesting. You get clumsy. You get forgetful. You find yourself winded from walking briskly or up a flight of stairs. You cry because you ran out of hot water in the shower. The humiliation starts out rather minor and just escalates as the weeks go by. Last week, I was getting ready for bed and started to cough. I’ve been pretty congested (another pregnancy side effect) and sometimes the coughing gets pretty bad. Well, as it turns out, if you start to cough with anything close to a full bladder + a baby sitting on said bladder, chances are you are going to pee yourself. And yes, that’s exactly what happened to me. Fortunately, I was at home and I just laughed about it. What else can you do, really? Just laugh and start carrying around a change of clothes. I will say that this is something that they don’t tell you when you start thinking about starting a family, though! There really should be some sort of warning…

The belly is getting bigger. It is getting tougher to tie my own shoes. The other day, the lower part of my stomach was a bit itchy and I tried to look to see if I had a rash or something and, try as I might, I couldn’t see the lower part of my stomach! I had to have Shawn check it for me! I can, however, still see my feet, although they are quickly disappearing from my view. Finn is getting stronger and stronger. He has started keeping a somewhat regular schedule of movement. Sometimes, his kicks are so hard, that my entire belly shakes. Shawn finally was able to see this phenomenon just a few days ago. I am not entirely sure which way he is facing. I think he is laying across my belly with his feet up around my right ribs. Although, sometimes when he is moving I start to wonder if he has more than 4 limbs because I can’t figure out how such a small baby can make such a ruckus in my belly. Its enough to keep me up at night for sure.

Speaking of being up at night, insomnia has gotten pretty bad. I had a few nights of absolutely no sleep and many tears. Finally I have discovered that if I take a hot bath or shower right before bed, it helps relax my muscles and lulls me to sleep, so I am thankful for that. This means I am also getting 2 baths or showers a day. I feel so squeaky clean!

So now, here we are. It’s 2012 – the year of Finn’s birth! Not only that, but his due date is now less than 90 days away. I *think* we are now in the 3rd trimester. Some websites say this starts at 27 weeks; some say 28 weeks. Shawn insists that our trimesters line up to the quarters – so since Jan 1 is the start of Q1 2012, he believes we are now in the 3rd trimester. Leave it to a project manager to associate trimesters to business quarters!

There’s still so much to do. We’re working through the home improvement list. I’m scrubbing the house room by room. We’re slowly stocking up on the essentials. I’ve got us signed up for birthing class and babysafe/cpr class and car seat safety class and cloth diapering class. The next 3 months are going to ZOOM by. I am so excited though. I just want to meet this little guy and see what he’s all about. Although, let me be clear to Finn that this is not an invitation to arrive early. As much as I want to meet him, I only want to meet him if he is fully cooked!

Until next week…

The last week has been relatively uneventful. I recovered from the shock I received when I weighed in at the midwife last week. I’m working on exercising and really evaluating my choices to make sure that I am making good choices as much as possible. I feel that as long as I can say that I have done my best, I won’t really care about the number on the scale at the end of the day.

Now my mind is really turning to everything we need to do to get ready for baby. One hugely important item to me was to replace the carpet upstairs in our house as it is old and nasty from years of use and our 3 pets. We had wood floors installed in our bedroom and have ordered new carpet for the stairs and hallway. Finn’s room had already been redone in a wood laminate. That leaves 2 other bedrooms to be done – one we use as an office and one we use as a spare room with the cat’s litter boxes and a desk and some book storage, etc. We bought wood laminate flooring and now need to install it. This is actually a relatively simple task, but I am not quite as mobile as I used to be and the idea of installing floor seems somewhat impossible. So, I will be assisting and supervising, but Shawn is going to need to find a couple guys to come help with the actual install work. I think its probably a weekend project per room max. I am hoping we can get it done sometime in the next month or so.

Once that’s done, then I will feel better from a cleanliness perspective. Then it just becomes about organizing and making space for baby things. For example, having a place to store diapers and such downstairs so that I don’t have to go upstairs for every changing. And, a place to store baby bottles in the kitchen; a place for Finn’s swing. None of this is very complicated, but it just means shuffling things around in a thoughtful way. And, of course, all of these things just lead to other things that need to be done like building storage downstairs or cleaning out the kitchen cabinets which means moving unused things from the kitchen to the pantry and from the pantry to the garage. All of this means needing a clean garage! It’s the same with the flooring upstairs – before we can do the floor, we need to move the furniture which means temporarily making room for that furniture in some other part of the house. Its not like our home is filled to the gills or anything, but sometimes it sure does seem like we have an unreasonable amount of STUFF and that so much of it needs to be shuffled to make room for something that is awfully tiny. I mean – we’re taking about a little baby. Yet, for some reason, his arrival is requiring (and I use the term “requiring” loosely – Finn doesn’t care about how clean the upstairs carpet is, but the Mom in me does!) some amount of work to several rooms of our home. As overwhelming as this all seems, it will be great in the end as we will finally be able to put a check mark next to some major home improvement and organizational things that have been on the list for a while.

When I look at the list of things to do, April seems so close. Yet, when I think about the fact that it is still 16 weeks away, it seems so far. I don’t think I will ever get comfortable with the amount of time remaining until Finn’s arrival. It is either too soon or too far, depending on how I look at it or what my mood is for the day.

Oh, and I signed up for birthing classes today. I am pretty sure that once we start really talking about birth, Finn’s arrival is going to seem way too soon indeed!

Today, I had my monthly midwife appointment. She assured me that everything from heartburn to braxton hicks contractions to swollen ankles was pretty much normal and gave me some good tips on how to deal with the different discomforts. And then we came to the part where I had to weigh myself. I knew that I had gained alot this past month. It seemed to happen overnight. I know that I don’t always make the best choices and I haven’t been exercising as much as I would like, but I do feel like I am doing what I can and trying to keep things reasonable. But, as of today, I weigh more than I ever have in my life. This was a bit shocking to me and left me feeling just a little out of sorts – especially knowing that there are still 17 weeks to go!  It is not that I don’t understand the reasons why. I totally understand. I appreciate all that my body is doing to help grow Finn and make him ready for the outside world. But, its hard feeling like you are not in control of your body. Nothing works the way it did before. I get out of breath more easily. I’m tired more. I’m less in control of my emotions. I can’t lift this. I can’t eat that. ALL OF IT IS WORTH IT. But, it still sometimes makes me sad. I want to be me, but I’m changing. The pregnant me is going to change into the mommy me and I don’t yet know who that person is or what she’s capable of.

I almost didn’t write this post today. The infertile me still feels guilty anytime my feelings about pregnancy and impending motherhood are anything other than joy, sunshine and rainbows. The truth is that this is all kinda hard. Its hard physically and its hard emotionally. It would be dishonest to say anything different.

And on that note, let’s end on something fun and positive! Finn’s room is painted and the furniture is more or less in place. I am starting to fill his drawers with adorable little clothes. Sometimes, I go in to his room and just sit in the rocker and imagine what it will be like to hold my little baby boy in my arms. Makes me smile.

17 weeks to go. Is it too early to be counting down?

1. Swollen Ankles  – I came home from work a few days ago and my lower legs felt a little odd. So, I lifted my jeans to take a look and sure enough – I had been struck by swollen ankles. Not only were they puffy and uncomfortable, but they were also oddly shaped too. Bonus! Now I am getting some degree of swelling almost every day.

2. Heartburn -  Oh.My.Goodness! I have never had heartburn before in my life. But suddenly over the weekend I started to feel this tight pain in my upper chest and right under my throat after eating. It doesn’t actually burn, but it hurts like heck! I am now eating smaller meals and sleeping half upright and that seems to be helping.

3. Back pain – Actually, maybe it is more like rib pain. Or rib area pain. Whatever it is, its tight and sore and achy. Although, it only seems to be happening on my right side. I Scheduled a prenatal massage to help with this.

4. Hip pain – My poor right hip feels like its breaking from time to time. Fortunately, this is not an all day every day occurrence.  A heating pad seems to help. So does a hot bath.

5. Insomnia – I dunno if this is technically insomnia, but I wake up constantly all night long. Sometimes its because I have to pee. Sometimes, its because my arms are numb. Sometimes, its because my hip is sore and I need to roll over onto my other side. The thing is that I now sleep with a full body pillow and like 3 other pillows. So flipping over is not as simple as it sounds. I try to couple flipping over with a trip to the bathroom. Wake up. Push pillows out of way. Roll out of bed. Go pee. Climb back in bed. Spend 5 minutes arranging pillows while trying not to wake the husband. Fall back asleep, if lucky. Repeat in 2 hours. I have acknowledged that I had my last night of uninterrupted sleep a couple weeks ago and this is fine. I just wish I had known it at the time so I could have savored it a little more and then wished it a fond farewell. See you in 10 years or so?

To counter act the negative feelings around all of these new symptoms, I am hauling my growing butt to the gym and to yoga. Sure enough, in just a couple sessions of exercise, I have started to feel a bit better. Plus, during the sharing time at my prenatal yoga class, it was really nice to listen to other pregnant women talk about their similar set of aches, pains and other discomforts. It made me feel normal. We’re all going through the same thing and we will all get through it. This is all temporary.

I am happy to report that Finn is doing great. His kicks are getting stronger and stronger. When I wake in the middle of the night and go through my routine of getting situated, he almost always gives me a kick or two as soon as I’ve settled down. I dunno if that his way of saying he’s there with me, or if its his way of scolding me for jostling him around. Either way, it makes me smile and I am reminded why these discomforts are relatively minor issues in the grand scheme of things.

Nesting continues. I finished priming Finn’s room over the weekend. Fortunately, my brother-in-law offered to do the actual painting, which is great! I normally don’t mind painting but these days it makes me super tired and achy. Plus, it takes longer because I have to give myself many breaks. Shawn and I both have been cleaning and organizing. We are making slow, but steady progress.

Next week, we have another visit with our midwife. I love my midwife appointments because it means another month has gone by. Sometimes, the days seem really long and slow. Yet, the speed with which the weeks are slipping by is a little bit startling. When I look at our to-do list, I am awfully glad that we have another 18 weeks or so until Finn makes his entrance, yet I know that those weeks will pass quickly – especially with the holidays mixed in there. I’m reminded to take a deep breath and savor these days.  They are special and unique in spite of swollen ankles, aching backs and killer heartburn.

• Shawn felt Finn kick for the first time! That was pretty darn cool!
• I realized that I had my last night of uninterrupted sleep a few weeks ago. I now get up several times a night to pee. Boo.
• I am ridiculously emotional. There have been tears, temper tantrums and many whiny moments that have ended in someone saying “maybe you need a nap?”.

And now, as it is Thanksgiving, I wanted to take a few minutes to share some gratitude.

I am so grateful to be here with a growing, healthy baby in my belly and a wonderful supportive husband helping me get through every day. It was a long, hard road to get to this point. There was a lot of doubt and heartache. To be able to write this post while feeling Finn’s kicks and flip flops is a blessing indeed. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, in my case, it took a village to make a child….

I want to say Thank You to the man and the woman who donated their egg and sperm to help a couple conceive.

I want to say Thank You to the couple who then donated their unused embryos to the clinic to help a fellow infertility patient.

I want to say Thank You to my doctors and nurses who helped me through the process with care and compassion.

I want to say Thank You to my therapist who helped me heal at a time when I thought all was lost.

I want to say Thank You to the ladies in my support group who have never wavered.

I want to say Thank You to my dear friends who never gave up hope and who are now there to answer all of my questions about becoming a mom.

I want to say Thank You to my family and Shawn’s family who are so joyful about Finn’s pending arrival, they make me smile from ear to ear.

I want to say Thank You to my amazing husband Shawn. He’s the light that got me through my worst days. I can’t wait for Finn to meet his amazing father.

I have several wonderful friends who are still navigating their struggle with infertility and trying to find their way to parenthood. I want them all to know that I am here for them as they have been there for me. This Thanksgiving, I say a special prayer for each one of them and I ask anyone reading this to please do the same.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Finn James

is already half-way cooked.

Yes, in case you were wondering, that’s Frosty’s official name. We actually had this name picked out as we were preparing for our embryo transfer. But, you never know how well the idea of a name will transition to real life. After a week of mulling it over, we’ve both made the transition from calling our little guy Frosty, to calling him Finn.  The name feels right and so I am ready to make it official.

Finn is doing great. He’s getting more and more active. Every once in a while, I am on the receiving end of a little jab that surprises me because it’s so strong and abrupt. I love those moments. It’s been really cool seeing the patterns emerge in his movement. Late afternoon seems to be one of his favorite times to move around. We call it PE class. Or maybe that’s when he has the hiccups? Who knows! I also have noticed that sugary foods will get him going. Yesterday, I had a small piece of date bread that gave me a head rush because it was so sweet. Not long after, I got some really hard kicks and pokes – so I can only assume that Finn got his version of a sugar rush as well. How cute is that?

Another thing that brings on some movement is music. The other day I settled on the couch with earphones on my belly to play some music for Finn – you know – quality stuff like Pink Floyd.  I was rewarded with some kicks (as well as chastised by Shawn for playing the music too loud and hurting Finn’s ears), which made me happy cause I want my boy to rock out to Pink Floyd with his mama.  Then, on Saturday I was at a movie night with the girls and we were watching Bridesmaids.  At the end of the movie, Wilson Phillips makes an appearance and starts singing Hold On. Well, I got some kicks over that as well! I am going to choose to believe that Finn was dancing to Pink Floyd and expressing his disapproval of Wilson Phillips! If not, we are going to have some work to do on the kid’s taste in music later on!!

Over the weekend, I made some good progress on the nursery. Which is to say that I made a mess of the rest of the house by cluttering it with what was once in the nursery. No matter. Sometimes you have to make a mess before you can make things clean. Finn’s room used to be my craft room and it was a disaster. I’m being very fierce with the donation pile. The rest is going to my new art/photography studio that I recently rented. We’re ready to prep the nursery for painting. I figured that I better work on it now while I still have energy and mobility on my side. Plus, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy to work on his room. A friend pointed out that this could be considered nesting, which also makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

My belly at 20 weeks

In other news, my belly finally popped!  Not the best picture, but you get the point. I was told over the weekend that I had achieved a wonderful milestone because my belly was now nearly equal with my boobs.

I suppose a small amount of anxiety is creeping in. I’ve gained 13 lbs so far. I know this is fine. I know that this puts me on track to gain the expected 25-35 lbs. I know that it’s all for a good cause. But, it is a teeny bit hard to watch the scale creep higher and higher. So, I resolve this by simply not weighing myself too often and going with the flow. I am eating well. But, mostly I am enjoying this incredible time on my life.

I suppose that’s about all I have to report. Life is good. Everything seems to be moving along the way that it should. My baby is healthy and growing. I am feeling great and happy. Shawn is as wonderful as ever.

What more could a girl ask for?

Frosty @ 8 weeks

To this…

Frosty @ 19 weeks

Our baby has grown so much! And, we found out that Frosty is a boy! I was shocked! I had so many dreams of little girl babies that I was convinced that Frosty was a little girl. Heck, I was referring to him as “she” and I even bought a couple stashes of cloth diapers that are pink! But, there is absolutely no doubt that Frosty is a little dude…

The first photo that I will use to embarass Frosty in front of his girlfriends.

We are thrilled. Of course, we would have been thrilled if he was a girl, too. But, I had a secret yearning for a little baby boy. I told Shawn that having a boy is like the extra special frosting on an already unbelievable chocolate cake.

Even better is the fact that Frosty is looks absolutely gorgeous. We had an extremely detailed ultrasound today at the Maternal-Fetal Medicine Clinic at Evergreen Hospital. There has been some concern because my  thyroid levels have been a bit wonky since early pregnancy so my midwife wanted to be extra sure that everything was okay. Frosty looks perfect and the perinatologist has no concerns about his health or my thyroid. Frosty’s measuring a little big – he’s more like a 20 week fetus than the 19 weeks that I currently am. His heart looks great; he’s got fingers and toes and a brain and a stomach and functioning kidneys.  During the ultrasound he was super active. He was kicking and rolling and moving his arms around. He had the hiccups practically the entire time. We saw his little mouth move and his little hand wave. It was the most unbelievable thing to see.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Afterwards, I made Shawn take me shopping to buy some little boy clothes – blue pajamas and a little onsie with a dump truck on the front. Shawn picked out some green and white striped fuzzy froggie pajamas. I can’t stop looking at those ultrasound pictures. They even gave us a DVD so I can go watch Frosty’s hiccups any time I want. This all takes my concept of happiness to a completely new level.

And, in case you were wondering, we do have a little boy name picked out. But, I am not sharing it widely quite yet because – well – I just want to try it out for a while and see if it still feels like it fits. Apparently one-third of couples regret their choice of baby’s name. I don’t want to be one of those!!